"Today I almost ate chocolate out of the garbage can. Keyword: almost."
"Today I mistook the blood blister on my hand for chocolate and tried to lick it off. I was equally terrified by 1). the surprise of licking my hand and finding out my chocolate meal was an injured part of my body and 2). my lack of judgement to just go ahead and attempt to consume something brown on my skin assuming it was yummy chocolate left over when after taking an extra second to think about it after the fact, when was the last time I ate chocolate?!. What if it was poop!? I would have ate it, I guess."
"Today I was getting a pedicure for my sister's wedding. I was waiting for my pedicurist to attend to my tootsies and after soaking them in scolding hot water she finally came around, grabbed my feet from the hot tub, took one look at at my toes and exclaimed "O-ma-ga, long feet!"
"Today the neighbors across the hall knocked on our apartment door when Trevor was not home and invited me to their party on Friday night. I gave them a non-committal thanks-for-the-invite-I'm-not-sure-if-I-am-busy-or-not type of answer. Then as we were parting ways they asked me if I was Jewish."
"Today I went to the grocery store and at the check out counter the cashier asked me if I go to Harvard. I said "No, but my husband works there..." The clerk says they would need to see his ID in order to get a discount. I asked how much the discount is and they replied 10%. I respond with "Well I guess I better send him shopping next time!"(thinking I am super funny). Nobody laughs. I leave."
"Today Trevor figured out what smells like a dirty-rotten-butt-hole-of-a-month-old-decomposing- body in our communal apartment hallway. I used to work in a morgue and I can 100% attest that this smell is very synonymous with rotten life. I contemplated calling the police and checking up on all the neighbors to assure they were all still alive and not dead and rotting. Then Trevor came home and said he was sniffing through the packages lined up at the entryway where the smell is the absolute worst. There he found a packaged from www.plated.com/ (a company sends you every ingredient you need for a meal and delivers every so often). Whoever is in apartment 36 is going to be thoroughly disgusted when they get home from vacation and find a box of rotting food on the doorstep."